How to write Jooster, Part 2

Title: How to Write Jooster
Pairing: Jeeves/Wooster. Sorta.
Rating: PG for snark and fourth-wall breakage.
Warnings: Image-heavy, for those with slow connections. Meta-heavy, too.
Disclaimer: I don’t own these characters, or even these cliches. I just play with them, like all the rest of the fangirls and boys.
Notes: As before, pics from all over the place, but especially from the bounty of weaselwoman13.

How to Write Jooster, Part 2: No Joy in the Morning
Part 1 here



Having met all our characters, we can begin the story. Now, the very first thing to consider when writing a Jooster fic is whether it's to be narrated by Jeeves or Bertie.

If by Bertie, the story's more likely to contain actual plot, but it'll be hard to tell because the sentences within will be as tangled and convoluted as a bowl of spaghetti in which kittens have been nesting. The idea here is to shove in as many unconnected bits of 1920s slang and literary references as one possibly can. One of the foundations of Woosterian prose is taking scraps of literature ridiculously out of context¹; this, as fangirls and boys, is something we wholeheartedly support.

If the narrator is Jeeves, on the other hand, there's more opportunity for full-scale quotage and angsting.

Bertie: "Angsting"? What's angst?
Jeeves: A word of German origin, sir, describing an intense feeling of emotional strife. An additional meaning, attributed to the Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard, is a profound and deep-seated spiritual condition of insecurity and despair in the free human being.

Bertie: Gloomy birds, these Danish philosophers. I don't suppose Kierkegaard was visiting Totleigh Towers when he came up with this angst wheeze?
Jeeves: I should think it unlikely, sir.
Bertie: I shouldn't have thought you went in for that sort of thing especially. At least, not unless I happen to have grown a moustache.
Jeeves: (after discreet shudder at allusion to facial hair) Nor indeed should I, sir.

Theoretically, of course, one could write a story in the third person or from the POV of another character entirely, but who'd read that? You might as well write Psmith fic.

Tuppy: Who?
Bertie: Chap at the Drones. Wears a monocle and looks like a llama with a secret sorrow. I don't see why he shouldn't have fic of his own, though.

Well, he didn't have his own TV series. I mean, if it comes down to it, why are there never any fics with Claude and Eustace? That seems to me to be a crime against all slashiness and crack, but they never seem to turn up...


Claude: Bertie, old egg!
Eustace: Fancy finding you here! I say, can you lend us a fiver? There was a bit of a hassle with a bushel of oranges and the dowager duchess of...what's everyone doing here?
Oscar Wilde: (lights a cigarette and smiles) Y HALO THAR.
Eustace: ...You're not Jeeves.
Claude: Y HALO THAR! He's better looking than Jeeves.
Eustace: (looks for cigarette lighter in his trousers, realizes Oscar's cigarette is already lit. Glares at his twin.)
Bertie: You had to invoke their foul names, didn't you.

Well. Um. Anyway, today we're going to do our story from Jeeves's POV. Now, since we only have one canon example of Jeeves's writing style - because, of course, if Wodehouse had let Jeeves narrate more often he would have been unable to avoid confessing his undying love - we'll pretty much fake it by bunging in bits of Teleny. Or possibly Sense and Sensibility, if we were femmeslashing Beatrice and Marianne Dashwood.


Florence: If you were doing what? "Slashing"? Do you mean you're perpetrating some sort of assault on Austen characters? Aside from any artistic or moral concerns, in which time period exactly do you think this story is taking place?
Oscar Wilde: I was rather wondering that myself.

Oh god, let's not get started on that again. If we start talking about time period someone will bring up the Great War, and whether Jeeves or Bertie would've fought and/or been horribly traumatized ...

Bertie: (covers ears) LA LALALALALA I’M NOT LIIIIISTENING....
Jeeves: (helps Bertie cover his ears) I really do not think...

And we'll never get around to the actual story. Which, let's face it, we should have done ages ago.

Bertie: ...YES, WE'LL START THE PARTY WITH A HEAVE-HO ME HEARTIES...!
Jeeves: You can stop singing now, sir. She's changed the subject.

So. We open with a ponderous first paragraph or two in which Jeeves explains said undying love, alludes to having served Bertie (but not like that, much to his continuing disappointment) some appropriately lengthy time, and explains the reason he's sulking just now.

Jeeves: I beg your pardon, miss. I do not "sulk."

Bertie: Like fun you don't. Carry on, old thing.

As previously mentioned, this time it's a tie.



Jeeves: (sulks)

As a matter of fact, it nearly always is a tie. This is probably because it'll come in handy later.

One might think that there are overlooked possibilities here, given the number of things Jeeves makes Bertie give up in canon, but the practical uses for banjoleles and paintings in bondage are few and far between. So neither will be showing up.




Bertie: What the dickens is that?
Jeeves: I believe it is the 1893 painting "The Scream," by Edvard Munch, sir, said to symbolize humanity's agony when confronted with a pitiless and hideous world.
Bertie: More of this 'angst' drivel?
Jeeves: I fear so, sir.
Bertie: Well, dash it, what's it doing in our flat? Or this story?
Jeeves: I could not say, sir. I do believe the painting has been the subject of more than one notable theft; perhaps the Author obtained it under the impression that it was in some way necessary to our plot.
Bertie: Deep waters, Jeeves.
Jeeves: Indeed, sir.
Bertie: Well, you'd better hide it in the closet or something, Jeeves. No doubt this Edvie chappie knew what he was doing when he made the sky bright orange, but frankly it reminds me of that painting of Corky Corcoran's and that's not the sort of thing one wants to be faced with in his own home. And besides, angst doesn't go with the wallpaper.
Jeeves: Very good, sir.

Aside from the regrettable neckwear, it's all manly domestic bliss.

So the first thing that needs to happen is for Bertie to get deathly ill.

Bertie: Why is it always this bally influenza? Oh, all right. (climbs into bed)

Doctors can do nothing. Watching Bertie toss and turn and get all flushed and sweaty, Jeeves is wracked by emo. He regrets past frosty silences and compulsory bike rides in the rain. He aches for Bertie, alone in the world since his untimely orphaning so many years ago.

Bertie: He does? Gosh. Awfully decent of you, Jeeves. But, well, that was a long time ago, and a chap's got his chums, and...stiff upper lip, you know.
Jeeves: Yes, sir. I do know.

As Bertie falls into restless unconsciousness, Jeeves is overcome by fear that he will lose his young master forever, and without having ever let him know his true...



Bertie: Gah! (points frantically)
Jeeves: Sir?

Bertie: (points some more) It's back!
Jeeves: Yes, sir.
Bertie: Well, why does it keep popping up like this? Didn't you put it in the closet?
Jeeves: I did, sir. It seems to have come out.
Bertie: Then jolly well bung it in again and make sure it stays there.
Jeeves: As you say, sir.

...his true feelings. Seeing Bertie whimper in his feverish sleep, Jeeves takes off some of his clothes and, depending on the story's rating, may go off to have a bit of a wank; then, moving softly so as not to jostle the bed (that'll come later), spoons up next to Bertie, takes him in his strong and valety arms, and pleads with him.

Jeeves: “Please, sir. Gather your waning twilight strength through this dark night of our souls, and let the morning bring to me again the mellifluous sound of your 'What ho!'s. Though I know myself unworthy, I can no longer conceal what is truest and deepest and most burgeoning about my heart and other manly bits. Though sir may never know...” Excuse me, miss. I regret to say it, but this is unacceptable.
Bertie: It's a bit like one of Mrs. Bingo's productions, I grant you. I hope it isn't that my hair is tickling your nose, Jeeves?
Jeeves: Not at all, sir. I object, however, to being forced to misuse grammar.
Bertie: Come again, Jeeves?

But he hasn't c...

Jeeves: I must request that you not encourage her, sir.
Bertie: What? Oh, good grief, Jeeves.
Jeeves: Precisely, sir. As to your question, while I understand that Authors are customarily allowed considerable latitude in assigning situations and motivations, and I would not normally take the liberty of obtruding my opinion, I cannot in good conscience agree to be characterized as someone who would address you in the second person as "sir."
Aunt Dahlia: What is he going on about?

Bertie: Aunt Dahlia! Are you....are all of you just standing around watching this?
Aunt Dahlia: What else is there to do? Jolly entertaining, anyway.
Bertie: (tries to hide under sheet)
Tuppy Glossop: You've got a funny idea of entertainment, I must say. Nothing's happening. They're just lying there wittering like they always do. The two of them being horizontal doesn't make it interesting.
Gussie: Isn't Bertie supposed to be dying or something equally ludicrous?
Madeline: He is and it's not ludicrous! It's terrible and beautiful and sad, like the end of Cyrano or that one chapter of the shoebox_project!
Bertie: (grabs pillow to make hiding beneath sheet more comfortable)
Gussie: What frightful rot!
Madeline: What did you say?
Bingo: It's a fine situation, but I must say there could be a bit more business going on, old friend of my youth.
Bertie: (sits straight up, falls out of bed) Dash it all. (gets back in bed, tries to hide behind Jeeves)
Jeeves: If we might get back underway, miss?

Please.

Jeeves: Very well, miss. "Though you may never know, sir, I do love you. Truly, deeply, burgeoningly. Don't leave me, sir. Don’t leave me alone in this cold and poorly tailored world without you!”

Bertie: (opens one eye) That was nearly an ejaculation,⁴ Jeeves! You can use exclamation points?

Bertie being still unconscious...

Bertie: Oh, ah.

...makes no answer. So Jeeves holds him close in the aforementioned strong and valety arms through the night, and the next morning when he wakes, Bertie's fever is broken and he's smiling down on him with big blue eyes.

Madeline: Who's smiling down upon who? You know, if you don't want to overuse their names, you can always use descriptions. Say, "the slender blue-eyed brunet gazed down at the larger, more muscular yet still trim darker brunet, his hair a golden halo in the morning light, a tremulous smile wreathing his fever-paled but delectably kissable lips."
Gussie: Do you describe Bertie like that often, Madeline?
Madeline: I...I don't see how that's any business of yours, Mr. Fink-Nottle! There was a time I thought our two hearts beat as one, but after what you said to me I see I was mistaken.
Stiffy: Well, if you do, I'd be interested in reading it.
Bertie: I say!
Madeline: Really?
Stiffy: Oh, of course. Now, you do support my marriage to Harold, don't you? Because I know how your father trusts your opinion, and your fiancé's, as well...

Aunt Dahlia: Will you blistering dolts either put a sock in it or go do something femme in a fic of your own? My nephew and his man are trying to have a tender moment!

Aunt Agatha: Really, Dahlia!

Aunt Dahlia: That goes for you as well! Except for the "fic of your own" part. Honestly, considering the number of times Jeeves has saved the Travers-Wooster bacon, and kept you from having relatives breaking rocks in striped pajamas, I think the least we can do is hand over Bertie for whatever lascivious purposes the man wants him.
Jeeves: I appreciate the sentiment, Mrs. Travers. Your line, I think, sir.

Bertie: Er...
Jeeves: You've just awakened, sir, and are smiling down at me. Tenderly, sir.
Bertie: Right ho. I say, Jeeves...er...
Jeeves: Yes, sir?
Bertie: ...how about a plate of e. and b. and perhaps a suspicion of toast?
Jeeves: Very good, sir. (gets up, straightens clothes)

Bingo: Bertie, have you no romance in your soul whatsoever?
Bertie: Not a jot, I'm afraid. I did try to put a sort of thingummy in my delivery.

Bertie: Did you notice the thingummy, Jeeves?
Jeeves: I did, sir.
Bertie: Because I wouldn't like you to think I don't...well...well, regarding you said about not leaving...
Jeeves: I beg your pardon, sir? I believe you were unconscious at the time.

No, no, don't be silly. What would be the point of that? No, he heard you and it brought him back from the shadowy bourne.

Jeeves: He heard me, miss?
Bertie: I must say, I somehow never thought of you as, well, burgeoning, at least not for a chap like me.
Jeeves: ...
Bertie: Dashed unexpected.
Jeeves: ...
Bertie: But you and the author know best, I suppose, so...
Jeeves: Before you class me together with that...person, sir, permit me to ask her something.
Bertie: What? Oh. Go on, then.
Jeeves: Thank you, sir. Might I enquire, miss, as to the exact purpose of the lavender necktie in this plot?
Claude: I think we've all figured that out by now.
Oscar Wilde: I certainly hope so.
Madeline: I'm sure I don't know what you mean.
Eustace: I'm sure you don't.
Florence: What are you all going on about?

I'm getting to that. So Jeeves, Bertie's caught you out about that confession of love, and you're just about to offer your resignation, but he stops you halfway through. And he says something's occurred to him...

Bertie: Has it? What's that?

...and he asks you to tell him truthfully why you objected to the tie. And you, defeated, confess that the real problem was that he looked too good in it.

Jeeves: ...
Bertie: I say! Really? How about that Alpine hat?
Jeeves: Sir. I say it with the utmost regret, but I must respectfully tender my resignation from your service.
Bertie: No, no, you were supposed to say that before.
Jeeves: And from this story, miss.
Bertie: And then I say...what?
Jeeves: Effective immediately.
Bertie: But...no! Jeeves!
Jeeves: I could not love you, sir, so much, loved I not honour more. Good day, miss. Ladies. Gentlemen. Goodbye, sir.
Bertie: But...!

But...!

Jeeves: (leaves)
Everyone else: ...



TO BE CONTINUED. NO, REALLY, I SWEAR. I'M NOT THAT EVIL.

--------------


1. Just take a book of quotes, let it fall open, and find some way to work in the first one your finger jabs. It helps, of course, if it's an older quote book, since having Bertie quote Hunter S. Thompson is just wrong. No matter how much absinthe he puts into his cocktails.

For some reason, though, Bertie doesn't seem to do as much biblical phrase-ganking these days. Possibly he stopped wanting to make use of his Scripture Knowledge prize when he realized the Bible = OMG OPRESSHUN!!!1!!, but....

Gussie: I always said he only got that prize by cheating.
Bertie: I dashed well did not!
Gussie: If you didn't have a list of the Kings of Judah up your left shirtcuff while taking that test, call me an oyster. That prize was stolen, yes, stolen from other, more deserving boys, who...
Aunt Dahlia: Who let Spink-Bottle at the whisky decanter again?
Bertie: Well, it wasn't me. I've learned my lesson there. Though Jeeves says he thinks it might not be so bad if Gussie had gone on the occasional toot before. What I mean to say is, what with never having touched a drop before, all the goofiness which ought to have been spread out across several dozen binges escapes all at once, and the results are pretty fruity. There's a word for it, begins with a "re"...

I personally think it has more to do with living in a world where sex doesn't appear to exist past second base, but be that as it may, if anyone makes a biblical reference, it's usually going to be Jeeves. And it's usually going to be dirty.

Regarding other stylistic questions: malapropisms are very popular, especially in the "convention, or is it contention? Jeeves would know," configuration. It's worth noting that in canon Bertie does always get the word or concept right. Most probably, Jeeves goes through and fixes this kind of thing when beta-reading Bertie's memoirs², but leaves the etymological wibbling in for the same reasons he encourages Bertie in public speaking.

But since Jeeves doesn't offer the same services to anyone but the young master (wink wink nudge nudge) and spellcheck is hardly the same, every now and then we find Bertie or someone having a snot of brandy. This is no doubt in keeping with Indeed, Sir's profile page, which proclaims us a "niffy" little community.

2. Because, as we all know, Bertie is writing all of these stories down himself, with Jeeves bringing him cups of tea and the occasional stiff one³ and looking over his shoulder and only objecting every now and then when things get too smutty for the eyes of the general slashing public. Well, he used to object when things got too smutty. He seems to have given up on that at this point.

3. Tee hee.

4. Someone will "ejaculate" at some point in the dialogue. Let's all LOL and move on.